Writing a letter to someone who died

Many people find that the conversation does not end when someone dies. There is news you want to tell them, a question you never asked, a thank-you or an apology that came too late. Writing a letter to them is one way to keep talking. Here is a gentle template and prompts to use at your own pace.

A few things that help

• There is no right way. A letter can be three lines or ten pages, angry or tender or both.
• Write the way you spoke to them. Their nickname, your inside jokes, the way you would start a phone call.
• You can write more than once. Many people write on birthdays, anniversaries, or when something happens that they would have wanted to hear about.
• Stop when you need to. It is fine to leave a letter unfinished and come back.

A grief letter template

25 prompts

Remembering

1. The first memory of you that comes to mind.
2. Your voice: something you always said.
3. A small, ordinary moment with you that I would give anything to have again.
4. What you taught me without meaning to.
5. Something that made you laugh.
6. A place that is still yours to me.

What was left unsaid

7. What I wish I had said the last time we spoke.
8. A question I never asked you.
9. Something I am still angry about, and why.
10. Something I need to forgive you for, or ask you to forgive.
11. What I was too proud or too shy to say.
12. How I found out, and what the days after were like.

News and now

13. What happened this week that I wanted to tell you.
14. Something I did that you would be proud of.
15. Something I did that you would tease me about.
16. How the family is doing.
17. A decision I am facing, and what I think you would say.
18. How I spent your birthday.

Carrying on

19. How grief feels today compared to the first weeks.
20. What I am doing to take care of myself.
21. A part of you I see in myself.
22. A tradition of yours I want to keep going.
23. What I want to let go of, and what I want to keep.
24. What I want to say goodbye to, and what I never will.
25. The last line, for now.

Keeping the letters

Some people keep their letters in a notebook, some read them at the grave, some burn them. Others keep writing in the same place over months, so that looking back shows how grief has changed. Many people also still have the old message thread on their phone and find themselves wanting to text the person. That instinct is normal.

If grief feels unmanageable or you are thinking about hurting yourself, you do not have to carry it alone. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. Elsewhere, your local emergency number or a grief support service can help.