How to write an unsent letter to your ex

An unsent letter is a letter you write knowing they will never read it. That is the point: with no audience, you can finally say it all, without performing, strategizing or waiting for a reply. Here is a template, prompts for when you are stuck, and what to do with it after.

Before you start

• Decide now that it will not be sent. If a part of you is drafting it for them, you will soften it. Write for yourself.
• Do not edit while you write. Spelling, fairness and tone do not matter here.
• Give it one sitting. Twenty minutes is enough. You can always write a second one next week.

A template you can copy

20 prompts when you are stuck

1. The first moment I knew something was wrong.
2. What I said at the end, and what I meant.
3. What I wanted to say during the last fight.
4. Something you did that I never thanked you for.
5. Something you did that I never told you hurt.
6. What I pretended was fine.
7. What I miss about an ordinary day with you.
8. What I do not miss at all.
9. The version of us I kept hoping for.
10. What I told my friends about you, and what I left out.
11. The question I still want answered.
12. The apology I owe you.
13. The apology I am never going to get, and what I would do with it.
14. What I learned about myself because of you.
15. What I would do differently, and what I would do the same.
16. A place that still reminds me of you.
17. What I hope for you, honestly.
18. What I am ready to stop waiting for.
19. What my life looks like one year from now.
20. The last thing I want to say.

What to do with it after

Read it once, out loud if you can. Then choose: keep it somewhere private to reread in a month, or get rid of it on purpose (some people burn or tear the paper; the point is marking an ending). If the urge to send it shows up, write that urge down too, as a second letter. If there is something you truly need to tell them, like a practical matter, write that as its own short message and sleep on it.

If you would rather text it

A lot of what we want to say to an ex arrives as a text, at night, in the thread we still have. Writing it in a messenger that cannot send takes that exact habit and makes it safe.